A letter to friends

When I moved I had a pretty terrible feeling for a while. Like a longing for something. For someone. It was always there, even when I was happy. I felt like something was missing. I felt lonely.

I paid attention to that feeling for like a year. It was still always there whenever I wasn't actively engaged in something. When I would be sitting still or waiting in line or riding as passenger somewhere, i'd observe this feeling still inside of me. Just listen to it. Not fight it, but be friends with it.

I thought for the longest time that this feeling was the feeling of being completely alone. Cause, I pretty much was. My sister was there, and I had some friends, but I worked so many hours that I really didn't get to socialize. So I figured "I must feel alone. "

But I was always around other people. I had hardly any time that I was actually by myself. And even happy I still had this feeling. Whenever there was a pause I could find it again. I wasn't sure how I could feel alone all the time even when I was hanging out with friends.

I remembered what it felt like when I used to be alone. Like truly alone, with no one around. And I took notice to how I felt on the rare instances that I got to be home alone, or take really long drives. Times when I was literally alone. And one day while driving, I said to myself "I don't feel so lonely when I'm alone."

So I thought about it. Lonely and Alone. What is the difference? People use those words to mean almost the same thing. But I started to think they were two very different things.

When I wasn't by myself, or "in my own zone," is when I could always feel that aching. The feeling that I lacked something. That there could be more, that something else could fill me. The feeling that something wasn't there. Something was missing.

Which was opposite the feeling I had when I was by myself. There was no sense that "this could be better." I didn't feel like I was incomplete. I felt whole. Same when I was busy on something that took all my attention.

So I decided lonely and alone were not the same. That loneliness was terrible and ugly. It was a feeling of want. You are lonely because you do not have. Where as aloneness was beautiful. It was much more content. The act of BEING alone didn't create any holes. You are alone because you DO have.

You have yourself! THAT is what alone means! To be BY yourself, to be WITH yourself. You become your best friend because no one else is around.

The hardest part is learning to always be alone. We are all always alone. Even together, side by side, we still can't escape being alone. And that can be terrifying. So everyone goes on searching for a way to cope with this inevitable aloneness. And once it becomes a search for something, it immediately becomes loneliness. Once you start looking you've already lost it.

So these lonely people go out in search of anything they can find to take their minds off being alone. Whether it's deep eye contact, being a workaholic, doing drugs, endless sex, or jumping from relationship to relationship every couple weeks.

But you will always be alone! Always! The biggest secret about learning how to be alone... is that you don't have to learn anything! You've always been alone. Now you must forget how to be lonely.