Ancient wisdom

Monday, June 11, 2007
Today was a good day.

I walked for a while, then I got some subway because I hadn't eaten all day. I took that over to the park, climbed up as HIGH as I could in the tallest tree I could find and sat in the branches and ate while watching all the people there play with their baseballs and kick some soccers. I like to climb a lot lately, I just can't stop! I've been climbing up on my friend's decks and stuff too (instead of using the front door) just because it's so much fun! After that I went and walked for another 2 hours or so. I like to be outside and I like going places with big headphones on because then I can really ignore people and just do what I wanna do. Even if I don't have any music on, just SEEING them on my head keeps people from bothering me.

My body looks and feels all weird lately. I keep looking at my hands, front and back, trying to convince myself that I am really me because it just doesn't look like what I think it should. My titties are flat now and not squishy like they used to be. My stomach has a crease down it and you can see more abs than fat. My arms are thinner but more solid than they used to be. My face looks so... young. My hair is long. My eyes are a different color. I just don't feel like the Me I used to know, you know? I don't feel like I yet own this new body. But I like it better than my old one. I'm glad I'm back in shape because now I enjoy life a lot more. Before I would see something off in the distance, perhaps a tree, and think about how much I would love to run there and see it up close. NOW instead of thinking about it, I DO run over to it! And once I get there, I might even CLIMB it! All because I can and for no other reason.

I'm such a little boy. I tried to deny it for a long while, but there's no point. I'm a kid! I love kid things! I can amuse myself for hours with little things I pick up off the ground. Adult stuff is so complex and it tends to put so much emphasis on seriousness and logic and that doesn't really interest me. I hate movies because the ideas in them are usually so "grown up" that they hold no interest for me. I like kids movies though! Bridge To Terabithia! I wish I had REAL friends that I was comfortable enough with to be myself around. I hate acting grown up, and ACTING is really all it is. I play make believe and pretend that I'm older.

I saw a butterfly today and it reminded me of something I did a few months back in the beginning of spring. When I was taking my walks I noticed how many dead caterpillars there were smushed all over the roads - literally THOUSANDS! So for one day I spent my time helping as many to cross the road at one point as I could. I must have moved 200 at least in that one particular spot and then possibly another 30-50 throughout the rest of the day. I had forgotten all about that until today when I was walking and a beautiful butterfly caught my eye as it drifted on the wind and fluttered about my head. It made me feel all good inside to know that maybe, JUST maybe, that butterfly was once a poor caterpillar that I helped cross the road.

Life is really a good thing. I used to take it for granted all the time and I used to wish I would die. I remember laying in bed many a night with my final conscious thought being that I would not have to wake up and suffer through another day. Though my life hasn't gotten much "better," I just feel much more content with everything. I've done more thinking and soul searching in the past 6 months than I have in my entire life prior, and for the first time I am satisfied. I feel as though I understand enough to continue my life at this point. There is still much to learn, and much of that can only be know through experience and age. But my mind having a better understanding of the spiritual has left me free to explore more deeply the physical which is precisely what I've been doing.

I know many things because I am a quiet observer. I have learned by watching others succeed and I have learned by watching others fail. Being removed from the situation - that is, not directly participating in the action in question - I am able to view from ALL angles and see faults or strengths that many overlook. I use that knowledge to my own advantage and I test it in daily life. Lately I've been trying hard to share this information that I have gathered because really people just seem... Out of touch. It is as though everyone has purposely deadened their senses and I can't figure out why. But, alas, no one ever takes me seriously when I try and share knowledge. For instance, this weekend I was trying to explain to a friend of mine why half of the sky was lit up with no visible moon. That is a stupid question to me because I already KNOW that the lights from allentown reflect off of the clouds in the lower atmosphere and shine down, causing it to seem brighter when you look south/east at night. For whatever reason that sounded INSANE to them and I was ridiculed and made fun of for saying it. And that is PRECISELY why I choose not to share what I have worked so long and hard to know, because most people are fools.

People really have lost touch with what is important in life. There is no intimacy anymore. There is no connection between people. Why do I have to know your name to care about how you feel? Is it so hard to believe that someone can care deeply for you simply because you are there? If I see someone struggling I HAVE to at least offer help. When I took my walks in the winter from time to time I would come across people shoveling snow. Most of them were doing a fine job and it was clear that they were healthy and in at least as good a shape as I so I hadn't much to offer, but every now and again I would see an older man doing it, and once even a man with a broken arm! It's times like those that it doesn't matter who you are, where you live, what you do, how many kids you have, what car you drive or anything like that - you need help and I'm more than happy to offer it! I helped 3 people shovel their driveways/sidewalks last winter and the only thing I felt bad about was the fact that I had to say "I don't want any money" before people would accept my help. What is this world coming to.

Well I'm done. I hope if anyone reads this that they can get something from it. I'm not exactly sure what that something would be though because this is nothing but random thought. Be good to yourself and those aroud you, and stay safe!


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Sunday, February 04, 2007
Consider this:

What if "you" were made up of 3 main parts; body, mind and conscience. Your conscience controls your mind, which controls your body, which is your means of interaction with the physical world. "You" are your conscience, your body and mind have nothing to do with "you," all they do is provide form and substance.
Now, imagine time as an endless hallway with an infinite number of doors. Each door leads to another endless hallway with infinite doors. There are an infinite number of hallways and they are all connected to eachother by an infinite number of doors. In other words, imagine that time is split into infinite "universes" which are all connected by infinite "paths." By choosing the correct path, you can change universes and thereby "control" time to some extent.
So what if your conscience could do that? What if time isn't some alternate dimension thing that we have no access to without some fancy machine. What if your conscience can help guide you through paths to different universes to provide a life that you would like the best? Let me explain a little more.
With infinite universes, it means there are infinite possibilities for every action. Almost ANYTHING can happen. What if you could just pick a universe where something happens that would be in your favor?
According to this theory, time travel would be possible, but only to a time in which you existed. If there are infinite universes, that means your body and mind exist an infinite number of times, but you only have one conscience. So your conscience jumps from body to body in each universe. However, if you travel back in time it wouldn't preserve your current memories, so you would just end up reliving part of your life with no knowledge that you had ever gone "back in time."
So what if you really can control your passage through these universes? What if you could, and it was as easy as thinking! What if all you had to do was think hard enough about something and want it badly enough for it to come true? What if thoughts are the way to help guide your conscience?
What if ALL that is true, and not just something I made up at work yesterday?

Just imagine


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Saturday, December 03, 2005

Did you ever wake up and realize you don’t know who you are anymore?

Everything you used to be has all somehow been replaced. Everything you once loved no longer matters. All your hope for a brighter future; all your dreams of flying to the moon; all your ambition to become something great; all the things that make you YOU; all the things that make you want to live and all the things that make life worth loving, are all gone.

You no longer feel you exist. All the constants of your personality you came to identify yourself with no longer fit. You lose your grip on yourself, and every last fragment of You evaporates.

You are left with nothing.

You expect nothing.
You regret nothing.
You want nothing.
You feel nothing.

You are nothing.

When you ask yourself “Why?” - “Why am I here?” - “Why do I feel this way?” - “…Why should I keep living…?”

You get no answer.

Your life is completely empty and meaningless. Every action you do is a waste. Every breath you take is a chore.

Your dreams are no longer exciting and fun. How could they be, you have no imagination.

You are a pathetic waste and you know it. In fact, the only thing you can be sure of is your own worthlessness.

You don’t care. Nothing matters.

Time passes much slower. Days feel like weeks, weeks feel like years, but when you look back it all went so fast. It all seems like it was just yesterday.

And you accomplished nothing.

You have nothing to show for it.
You made nothing that lasts.
You did nothing important.

But what does it matter?

It doesn’t..

Life doesn’t matter.

Life is short.